December 18, 2003

Emerging Lights in a Darkened Mind

The following post, from Daniel Morris, is monstrously eloquent... illuminating for me an aspect not only of his unfamiliar experience, but the behavior of a friend with "chronic fatigue syndrome." There are enormous cognative gaps between people, the comprehension of which somehow help me to understand my own ideosyncratic identity. From Behind the Wall of Sleep is becoming one of my favorite blogs. Excerpt:

I saw it clearly in this way: my mind was like a city. It was an oval, and as you moved in towards the center the structures grew higher and higher. All of them were lit. They were bright. Golden-yellow. My mind was a standing island of living fire.

My encephalitis changed all that. Following my sickness, it felt as if there was a course around the periphery of my mind that was bright and glowing. But! The depths, the high structures and the bright center were dark. I remember thinking that I could only think shallow thoughts. Thin thoughts. Narrow ones. The tall, bright, gleaming fires in the middle of my mind were denied to me; I had a narrow band, a little racecourse around the edges, and all my thoughts lived within its compass. -- Daniel Morris, From the Inside

Posted by Demosophist at December 18, 2003 07:51 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Ugh. It sounds interesting, but it's one of those blogs where the writer is forcing his text fontsize to some hopelessly tiny dimension. On my screen resolution, it's an experience significantly inferior to "reading the fine print", which I've never found all that onerous. At least with a contract, you can hold it closer so's you can focus.

I roomed with someone with chronic fatigue for five or six years. He's still under the cloud, so to speak. He never struck me as intellectually restricted - the "shallowness" the writer talks about. Instead, it seemed to be a biological energy sort of thing - he was constantly asleep or sleep-walking. Of course, we suspected that 80% of the problem was the vast array of experimental drugs the doctors had him constantly cycling through.

The "shallowness" sounds more like some depressive episodes I've had. It might be an indirect depressive side-effect rather than a primary effect of the chronic fatigue.

Posted by: Mitch H. at December 19, 2003 01:33 PM
It sounds interesting, but it's one of those blogs where the writer is forcing his text fontsize to some hopelessly tiny dimension.

I've taken to using Netscape 7.1 because I can set it up such that preferences and bookmarks are shared between my XP and Linux box. And I have the font preferences set to override those of the site, which enables me to read most blogs pretty well.

You are probably right about the physical aspect of CFS versus West Nile. But it suggests that there's a physical structure that may be impacted by the same chemical imbalance that causes the fatique. The other attributes that point to diminished capacity are not there in CFS, at least not to the same degree, or as obviously. But if the shallowness is simply less recognizable, that might lead to some over-confidence. My friend believes he's something of a philosopher, but seems nearly incapable of making some of the more rudimentary ethical distinctions we take for granted. And he can't seem to argue the points very well, though he tends to think his arguments are unassailable. I have thought for a long time that it was willful, but it may not be. He may have no idea there's anything wrong, and simply sees himself as "oppressed" by all his "up tight" friends.

Daniel seems extremely aware of his predicament, and is therefore very unlikely to exhibit such misperceptions and lack of self-assessment. (If anything, the absences become even more conspicuous to him.) But even with the obvious differences I still can't help but think that Sleeping Sickness and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome may be related in some respects.

Thanks for the comment, by the way.

Posted by: Scott (to Mitch) at December 19, 2003 03:40 PM

Thank you. I would have noticed earlier, but I’ve been out of it.

Posted by: Daniel Morris at January 11, 2004 10:46 PM